[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
You Might Also Like
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Dance like you’re not the father
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive