I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.