Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants