My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.