Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*