Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.