[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
so no one told you life was gonna be this way