I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
damn he’s good
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.