Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Only a mother’s love …
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.