Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Can’t stop laughing
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.