*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Finally!
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.