Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!