Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
who wore it better?