I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Hitlers gonna hitl
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.