He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.