[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
never deleting this app.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.