The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
When I laugh on my period
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.