Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
You Might Also Like
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Smile they said.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.