shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Can Happiness buy money?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.