Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.