A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
The Book. The Movie.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.