t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You Might Also Like
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I have obtained a hat
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest