“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”