Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
uh oh
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware