ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
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pep talk
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Harsh but fair
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
That took me a moment.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe