I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR