I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
You Might Also Like
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it鈥檚 already built?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x虏+y+8[(x+2y虏 = a-z]+2x鲁+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z鲁 = k= 9 in real life.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i鈥檓 getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I鈥檒l be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn鈥檛 sound very fun.
Me: Can鈥檛 hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn鈥檛
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That鈥檚 gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That鈥檚 soup it鈥檚 food now.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one