Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.