My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Poetry is my passion
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary