Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
You Might Also Like
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
He just like my cat fr
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Lucky old June.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.