I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome