I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies