Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
asking santa clause for nudes
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.