Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
plums roundup
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Sorry not sorry.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.