Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling