My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH