I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.