India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Whoa 😂
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.