Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
doing some research
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.