Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*