People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
When I said I liked it rough.