If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Cause of death: Zumba
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.