[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.