Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.