I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Merry Christmas
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me