I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
the way this pissed me off… 😭
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested