Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.