My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
You Might Also Like
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.