me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Not recommended for beginners.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.