People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks